104 – Non-Negotiable Attraction

I’ve talked some about cultivating desire, which leads to intimacy. But a few points need to be clarified:

Axiom 1: Attraction cannot be negotiated or will-powered into existence.

Axiom 2: You can’t fix your wife; you can only fix yourself.

Axiom 3: The follower is a reflection of the leader, not the other way around; if she looks at you as a reflection of her, she’s leading and you’re failing.

Axiom 4: If you have marriage problems, they almost always can be traced to your failure to lead properly.

Axiom 5: Some people won’t respond, even if you do fix yourself and lead rightly; and it’s okay to let them walk away if they insist.

Interestingly, all of these principles are found straight in the Bible, which can re-affirm that we do right by following them.

TOTAL DEPRAVITY

I don’t care if you’re Calvinist or Arminian – we all agree that humans are sinful from birth and cannot be saved (read: reconciled relationship with God, the way he wants) unless God draws him (John 6:44). We may disagree with what that “drawing” actually is, but the core principle is there. Hebrews 11:6 goes another step: “And without faith it is impossible to please God.” Isaiah 64:6 clarifies, “Even their good deeds are as filthy rags.” Genesis 6:5 makes this bolder: “Every inclination of the thoughts of man’s heart was only evil all of the time.” In Romans 3:11, Paul re-frames the human condition in the context of relational desire and pursuit: “No one understands; no one seeks God.”

In short, if God wanted a healthy relationship with us he could not sit by and wait for us to come to him. We were utterly incapable of doing anything that would genuinely please him.  He has to be the one to draw us. Even when we try and think our motives are pure, our hearts deceive us and we are really doing wrong if it’s of our own effort (see Proverbs 14:12, 16:2, 21:27, Jeremiah 17:9, Romans 8:8). Jesus even says boldly in Matthew 7 that some people think they’re doing right by Him, but in the end he tells them, “I never know you; away from me you evildoers.”

---

TOTALLY DEPRAVED SPOUSE

This is how we must imagine our spouses.  Hear me out … I’m not saying women are more sinful or depraved than men.  I’m suggesting that one spouse’s desire for the other is something she’s powerless to overcome of her own will-power and that it takes the leader in the relationship to create the solution.

Wives will not enter into right, reconciled relationships with their husbands (read: genuine desire for their husbands, the way we want) unless the husband draws her. In reality, God can change her heart in the absence of our efforts, but it’s idiotic to make that assumption without a prophetic guarantee. I know I prayed endlessly for God to change my wife. The response I got from God was, essentially, “Forget that, go change yourself.” So, I ask:

ONE – How many of you have endured disrespect, sexlessness, unreasonable demands, etc. from your spouse and just hoped that without you doing anything different they would magically change?

TWO – How many of you have had your spouse try to ask for your help, initiate sex, or serve you around the house, but totally killed the mood because you knew their motive was out of duty and not desire?

Now you know how God feels! God doesn’t bargain for our obedience. He doesn’t negotiate for our love. He knows this would be futile because we are INCAPABLE of loving and desiring him of our own will-power. In the same way, our wives are INCAPABLE of loving and desiring us of their own will-power.  We must make ourselves desirable to them and invite them into a reconciled relationship with us, as God does with his church.

---

DON’T FIX, BE FIXED

Fortunately, God’s pretty smart, so he gave us the answer. Pop quiz: which did God say was the answer to our sin and depravity?

• (A) Screw them, they can all go to hell!
• (B) I’ll just magically fix them because I love them!
• (C) I’ll just keep waiting until maybe someone down there figures out how to solve this problem!
• (D) Maybe I can negotiate with them: I give them heaven, they give me sinless perfection!
• (E) I’ll put the responsibility for their salvation on myself, be perfect myself, set the example by myself for what I expect, own all the crap and sin in the world myself, and let them respond to who I am, taking on my identity through my being in them, rather than me trying to “fix them” as they are.

[Obviously the answer is E!]

Instead of fixing us, God became an example to us of what a “fixed” human being looks like. That was incredibly alluring! Everywhere he went, people were drawn to him. When you fix yourself, people are drawn to you. In Jerusalem, Cana, Capernaum, the gym, the grocery store, and the park … people turn their heads and notice the one who is living as a “fixed” and right person who “has it all together.”

---

THE BREAK-DOWN

Let me split this up into pieces.

I’ll put the responsibility for their salvation on myself

Husbands, if you want to make your wives right with God and with you, the responsibility for accomplishing this is on you, not them. Just as God determined that the responsibility was his and not the church’s to figure out, so it is with husbands and wives.

be perfect myself, set the example by myself for what I expect

I will forever refrain: “fix the man, not the marriage.”

own all the crap and sin in the world myself

Take responsibility for leading is not enough.  You must also take responsibility for things that go wrong in the family. Jesus bore the church’s sins. Not just the ones he thought weren’t so bad … all of them. So, when your wife screws up, don’t shift the blame. You’re the captain. Ephesians 5:23 literally sets up the metaphor that you are “God” to your wife. I love what Brother Lawrence said when he was convicted with sin: “I shall never do otherwise, if you leave me to myself. It is you who must hinder my falling and mend what is amiss” (Practice of the Presence of God). Husbands, this is part of leading your wives.  Accept that it’s your responsibility – your failed leadership – when they fail.

let them respond to who I am

God doesn’t force every person on the planet to respond to him. He’s OI (outcome independent). He accepts the fact that some people will reject him, and yet this actually glorifies him even when people reject him! He loves them and cares about their salvation, but his framework for leading the universe is unaffected by their rejection of him. He doesn’t push them away, but he certainly lets them walk away, or never approach to begin with.

Instead, the focus is on letting people respond to who he is as expressed by all the things he has done for us, most notably through the Gospel. Salvation is about responding to what God has revealed to us about who he is. It’s not about us; it’s about him.

taking on my identity through my being in them, rather than me trying to “fix them” as they are

The result of being “saved”: after we have responded to true biblical manliness from God, his bride (the church) fits within his framework, taking on his identity rather than trying to craft one for itself. God does not fix our broken identities to be like his, nor does he condone us maintaining an identity that is separate and distinct from him.

Similarly, we, as husbands, should not fix our wives’ isolated identities; rather, we should be offering her a new identity – one that reflects the fact that she signed on as your helper on a mission that’s bigger than either of you alone.  Anything else is counterintuitive to cultivating intimacy.  We cannot have a “koinonia oneness bond” if we decide to have independent and separate identities and lives. God opens up his framework and says, “I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved” (John 10:9). To reword that slightly: “Jesus is the door to God’s frame; whoever goes through Him will rest securely in God’s framework for operating the universe,” which includes working all things for the good of those who love him. That’s what you want your wife to do with you!

But none of this can be done if you are trying to lobby for your wife’s desire, as if we could overcome the sinful nature on our own in the absence of God’s help.  No more thoughts of bargaining with your wife.  No more, “If I do this, you do that.”  Just lead and let her learn to trust you.  Start with “I do this” and let her figure out the “you do that” part on her own as she learns to respond to your invitation – as she sees that you are a fixed, whole man in Christ and you are offering her adoption into that identity.